For many months, I stayed angry at a pine box and negative memories s, thinking what I could have done or changed. Eventually sat myself down to really think AIBO t my whole childhood. My father’s death would end up giving me the courage to reexamine the pain that he once inflicted on me, which eventually lead to me finding the strength to forgo eve him. To be courageous means to do something that frightens you, or to have strength in the face of pain or grief. So thought to myself, “What truly frightens me or inflicts pain?
Nothing really significant. ” So then I thought, ‘Want was I afraid of? ” Within seconds the word ‘father” crossed my mind. Since before I could remember, my father had a serious drinking problem. This addiction ended up being the reason why my mother left him. Do not ink owe if he was unhappy with himself or his built up anger, but I got the lucky task of being a human punching bag. Whether it was the verbal or physical abuse, he found a way to make me miserable every single Wednesday and every other weekend.
Coarser 2 At the age of seven, I was so consumed with hatred and bitterness that I spook e up for myself, refusing to stay with my father on his scheduled days. This is the first and only time really had any sense of courage. This separation proceeded for two years unit I I initially forgot about the pain and suffering, agreeing to meet with him again. This is the poi NT where I began speaking up for myself, which made everything much worse. Between the age s of nine and twelve, his abuse worsened.
Whether it was being pinned up against the wall or tearing me down to the point of anxiety and depression, my courage was completely decimate d. I wished that he would hit me hard enough where I would need medical attention, so could if anally tell someone what was really going on. However, I was always afraid if I told anyone he woo Id really hurt me. Let trapped, until finally realized that I did not need him anymore. At this p mint, my father was emotionally dead to me. Unfortunately, from the age of twelve to the day my father physically passed away, I had no relationship with him.
We would see each to her on some holidays, with an occasional phone call in between, but this man was not my f ether; he was my antagonist. Remember first hearing about his death like it was yesterday. I was presenter powering on “The Battle of Bunker Hill” in History class when I was called do Win to the guidance office, where I saw my mother and two aunts unable to keep their c measure. When they first told me, I was in shock, but shortly after that I felt almost relieved. W hither I knew he was in a better place or I could finally stop living my life in a constant fear, I w as at ease.
I held a lot of resentment for a long time after his death, and would be lying if said I still do not hold some. However, I finally came to terms with everything . Figured that staying mad at a part of my memory was like a celebrities wound. His death also made it much easier to forgive him Coarser 3 for the things that he did to me, rather than having to face him, which most Ii Kelly would have ever happened. All the things that I still discuss with him on long nights would d never have been said if he was still alive.
Sure it is a one sided conversation, but its better than no conversation. Now the positive stories that his friends tell me are much more enjoyable to lie Steen to like there crabbing stories or the time they played basketball in the middle of the night, compared hearing them in one ear and go out the other. Now, I feel calm when someone brings him up; In the past I would tense up and think about all the anger in his eyes or the way he used t o grind his teeth but now I appreciate the kind words. My father’s death gave me the courage to reexamine the pain that was once inflicted on me.
This lead to my finding strength to forgive him. When he first passed away y, I was very angry at him because I had no closure to all the damage he inflicted on me, and I still I have so many unanswered questions. Now all can do is to make sure that I will be a better father than him. See where he made his mistakes, and all I can do is try to not fall in the same patterns. Despite all the built up resentment, I am thankful that this experience brought me closure e to his death as well as the ability to come to terms with my childhood.